Brittney* is a new believer who recently gave her life to Jesus, thanks to a friendly neighbor attending our church. But after a few brief weeks of spiritual seeking, Brittney distanced herself. She wants to explore Jesus and Christianity, but not through a “non-gay-affirming” church like ours. She will be trying out a different church nearby in the city. To be clear, no one said anything offensive or hurtful to Brittney. No one mentioned a word about her sexuality. There was no “toxic masculinity” that scared her off. She distanced herself simply because of the church’s doctrinal stance that her mother read on our website. This is becoming a common experience and illustrates the different ways the traditional church and secular world define and approach spirituality and sexuality. Brittney’s family feels hurt that the “church” doesn’t accept them. The church feels baffled because they showed the same measure of personal welcoming and compassion as they would anyone else. How do we hope to understand this miscommunication?

The Miscommunication:

1. Individual Truth or Universal Truth?

Ever since René Descartes reoriented Western philosophy on the individual’s self-consciousness —the Cartesian shift—Western culture has gradually redefined truth according to each individual’s perception. That’s post-modernism. The Enlightenment tore down the old church, government, class, and family authority structures. The sovereign individual, possessing maximum freedom to choose, is believed to be the highest good of society. Sigmund Freud deepened the level of connection an individual feels to their “thoughts” and “feelings”— I feel this way; therefore, I am this way. This functionally equates to: I am my impulses. Our American culture, and especially the LGBTQ+ community, as it relates to their sexual orientation, lives out of this way of thinking. Their identity becomes entangled with their most private desires. For someone else not to affirm their sexual expression is a violation of their deepest identity and self-worth. As we mentioned in our article Loving Trans* People, the secular world loves others by affirming the individual’s truth. It is precisely at this point that miscommunication comes into play. The traditional church attempts to love others through a universal truth they believe was God-given, not the individual’s truth that can be self-deceiving. We have two competing definitions of truth.

2. Spirituality or Religion?

This tendency to elevate the individual over everything else also impacts our spirituality. In Western culture, we’ve turned spirituality into a sort of self-improvement exercise that I add to my life to improve—like yoga or meditation. It preserves “the self” as the central authority structure that selects what it likes and eliminates what it doesn’t like. That is drastically different from traditional religion. Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, or even ancient stoic Greek philosophy all demand that individuals surrender their lives to “the pathway” that is laid out for them. The individual finds freedom in surrendering and following the prescribed “truth” revealed to the community. Truth is not personal; it is universal. In these settings, you may be uncomfortable with the truth; you may not like it or even understand it, but you still surrender to it and trust that it possesses wisdom beyond your perception.

3. Slogan: “Love the sinner, hate the sin.”

This phrase evokes loathing in the LGBTQ+ community because it invalidates their personal identity. The church member knows what it means; the non-churchgoer does not. The church member has learned to distinguish the “thoughts,” “feelings,” and “temptations” that we choose to act upon and choose to suppress. The church member has even learned to differentiate behaviors in others that aren’t healthy while still loving that person. Aunt Jamie smokes cigarettes, but I still love her to pieces. Carol dresses very provocatively, but she’s a wonderfully sweet person. Allen can be demeaning, but there’s no one more fiercely loyal. To the church member, making a distinction between someone’s sexuality and their identity is natural, but for many in the LGBTQ+ community, it is not. In their minds: This is who I am. I can’t change that. I experience same-sex attraction and that’s why I’m gay. What to Do With Same SexAttraction is a Christian resource to help the followers of Jesus differentiate identity from sexual orientation.

So what’s the solution?

In Brittney’s case I don’t see anything her neighbor or our church could have done differently. We can act in radical compassion and grace, but we can’t prevent people from leaving because we adhere to what we believe is the truth. We can pray for people. We can show the kingdom of Christ’s love to the people willing to receive it. Even still, Christians don’t always handle these situations well, and we can do a few things to ensure we don’t put obstacles in people’s way.

1. Focus on Jesus.

Continue to invite people to Jesus and steer them to him. He is the Creator and Life-Giver and Destiny-weaver. He knows the deepest parts of us, loves us, and he alone has the power to redefine us. Help people fall in love with him first. He is the beautiful savior and loving companion. The church should not intercept his leadership and try to start controlling people’s lives or prematurely interjecting our opinions about people’s life choices or especially their sexuality. We have to trust that Jesus will lead them there when they are ready.

2. Faith is a process.

Jesus doesn’t confront us all-at-once with everything we’re doing wrong and every wrong idea we’ve ever had. He leads us one step at a time. So, as we help other people in their journey, we don’t need to feel like it’s our job to correct them all at once. Keep directing them to Jesus, to his Scriptures and teachings. Teach them to pray and hear the Holy Spirit. Ask questions, and don’t rush to provide answers. Give the Holy Spirit room to work. And remember that Jesus provides the right mixture of grace and truth the whole way through the believer’s journey, not just at the beginning. We are helping them walk as disciples in the paths that Jesus provides. There’s a higher level of accountability for the 18-year-old than the new baby.

3. Keep a proper perspective on sexuality.

The church’s witness should be consistent. God heals us from all kinds of brokenness, sexuality is only one kind. And there is probably more heterosexual brokenness than there is otherwise in the church. So, homosexual and transgender brokenness fit right into our community of healing people. Listen to this powerful scripture,

“Do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God”. (1 Corinthians 6:9-11)

We are all being washed and renewed of our delusions and selfishness. Our identity is in Jesus and nothing else. He is making us ready for God.

4. People are free to reject Jesus.

God gives people the freedom to reject him, to seek him, to repent, and to walk away. Our choices have consequences, of course. But their choice is in their hands. The church can choose to love people even when they choose a path that we disagree with. We continue to hold out the truth, but only with radical generosity and a loving posture.

Conclusion: There is a difference between welcoming and validation.

The world doesn’t believe in the authority of the Bible, a deity, or some church leader telling them how to live their lives. The mission of the church is not to control people; it’s to reveal Jesus the Savior. He alone has the power to transform the human mind and heart. This miscommunication between welcoming with love and validation isn’t going away soon. We are not in a cultural war; it is a spiritual war for the “hearts” of the people to encounter Christ’s unimaginable love.

*Brittney is a pseudonym used to honor the privacy of our community members.

Tags: truth, sin, culture, grace, gender, sexuality, new believer, control, sinner, affirming, same-sex attraction