[Warning: this sensitive topic may be emotionally retraumatizing]

The sexual freedom of one generation has led to the sexual bondage of the next. Whether lurking behind the priestly vestments or looming behind the bright colors of Pride Month, many people carry with them the dark shadow of pain and trauma. The unrestricted expression of sexual appetite gives way to confusion, or worse, powerful people victimizing the vulnerable: women, younger siblings, employees, children, and neighbors. The stories counselors, pastors, and police officers could tell you are horrifying and will wilt the human heart. They are more common than you’d dare to believe.

Maybe you have been the victim of unwanted sexual abuse. Or maybe you have been stuck in the descending porn loop for so long that you wonder if it’s possible to restore sexual and spiritual innocence. It is possible; just know that healing is a journey. [You may also find last week’s article helpful, Addicted to Porn.]

What Happens

Unwanted sexual exposure can happen on a screen or in person. Exposure might be unwanted touching; being placed in a situation where someone’s authority or physical strength is used against you; being forced to perform sexual acts you did not desire or with people you did not desire; sleeping with a boyfriend; experimenting with a group of people or people of the same sex. There are many varieties of sexual exposure with varying levels of shame attached to them.  

Deep and Confusing Emotions 

Often, victims who have been abused or exposed to sex inappropriately feel:

• defiled or dirty
• unwanted or unworthy
• a sense of being used
• unprotected
• deeply ashamed
• guilty that they didn’t do enough to stop it
• confused by mixed feelings, threats, or lies
• their innocence was stolen

Those feelings can easily translate to believing lies about ourselves:

• It’s my fault.
• I’m dirty. I’m disgusting.
• Nobody wants me now.
• I’m worthless.
• I’m shameful.
• God’s angry with me.
• I’m used goods.

The road to recovery and healing is not easy. It is a journey that can take years and will probably require the grace and patience of family members and friends who can support you in your quest for restored innocence. Here’s what you can expect.

Support 

You will need to find a small support network you can trust (two or three people). Sometimes, people we thought would help us turn around and blame us or defend the perpetrator. You need friends or advocates who will believe you, listen to you and patiently support you as you process emerging memories or unexpressed trauma. You’ll also need a professional counselor, preferably one who can incorporate your faith in Jesus. A skilled counselor can act as your guide as you walk back through the emotional minefield.

Jesus Redefines Us and Heals Us

Before we rush back to the wound and get retraumatized, we need to run to Jesus. He alone is the one who can redefine us and heal us. After the Israelites had been victimized for so long by the Egyptians, the Lord rescued them. Moses called God their “warrior” (Exodus 15:3). And God spoke over the people, “You will be my treasured possession” (Exodus 19:5). The Lord wants to redefine how we identify and feel about ourselves and our bodies.

Though all sin was dealt with on the cross, our identity and emotions need to be healed from the lies, guilt, or shame attached to our personal wounds. Core lies we believe about ourselves first have to be unearthed and then replaced with what God says and believes about us. A sample below from a Scriptural list can be found in a book like Neil Anderson’s Who I Am in Christ:

• I am accepted
• I am God’s child
• I have been washed and made pure
• I complete
• I am a new creation
• I am secure
• I am hidden with Christ
• I am beloved
• I am chosen
• I am his dwelling place

In addition to healing our core identity, the Lord wants to wash our souls. Our bodies send unpleasant physical and emotional signals to our brains that we often ignore or suppress. Those signals of anxiety or stress may indicate repressed bitterness, revulsion, fear, loathing, unforgiveness, embarrassment, betrayal, etc. As we learn to listen to our bodies and investigate our emotions, we also learn to self-regulate, show compassion to ourselves, and turn to the Lord to find comfort from him. Isaiah 49:13 says, “The Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.” Listen to this insight from Jay Stringer’s book, Unwanted,

Freedom is often paradoxical and unexpected but is found through kindness and curiosity. What would it mean for you to bless instead of curse your body for experiencing what it felt? Will you cry out with agony for how your desire was misused instead of remaining silent in your shame? Honesty and kindness change the human heart. Contempt for arousal and silence in our shame leads to the continual pursuit of unwanted sexual behavior.

We need the courage to listen to our bodies’ complex and mixed signals.

Attachments and Boundaries

In review, we first form a secure attachment to the Lord as he proves trustworthy. The Lord helps us forge a secure connection to ourselves so that we trust ourselves, take care of ourselves, and show compassion to ourselves. In the case of abuse, the Lord leads us to our wounds and finally gives us the strength to forgive our enemies. This final step releases our body, soul, and spirit from holding onto the pain and shame of the event(s). This step brings spiritual release but must remain connected to strengthening the victim’s dignity and sense of personal boundaries.

Sexual wounds are different from other wounds because your body is a sacred space. Paul declares that “you body is a temple of the Holy Spirit” (1 Corinthians 6:19).  It belongs to the Lord; he cleansed it and says of it, “You were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Corinthians 6:11). Yet, it takes time for the Lord’s healing process to work through our memories, our emotions, and even relationships.

Finding healthy boundaries with others and new ways of relating to others is a relational layer to the healing journey. Maybe that will consist of learning to let my guard down and trust my spouse with emotional and physical intimacy, not sexualizing relationships among friends of the same gender, or creating personal boundaries around people in authority so they can’t take advantage of me. Healthy relationships are an essential ingredient to our recovery.

What God Wants to Restore Innocence 

Sin diminishes sexuality into a lustful, self-gratifying act that uses people. God can restore us to sexual innocence and wholeness. God wants to protect us, heal our identity, bring comfort to our memories and emotions, restore the dignity of our body and sexuality, establish healthy relationships around us, and restore loving and trusting sexual expression between a husband and wife. It is a return to God’s design: “Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” Sex, after all, is meant to bring life, unity, and mutual comfort and enjoyment. That’s a gift, and it’s a gift God can restore.

Book Recommendations:

Unwanted, by Jay Stringer

Who I Am in Christ, by Neil Anderson

Pursuing Sexual Wholeness, by Andrew Comiskey

Tags: truth, sin, culture, grace, sex, porn, shame, gender, restore, sexuality, control, scared, abuse, sinner, same-sex attraction, assult