Conflict is a natural byproduct of human relationships. In fact, if you don’t experience conflicts or frustrations with other people, that’s probably a sign that you are either intimidated into silence or aren’t passionate enough about your values. Avoiding conflict isn’t the answer. Digressing into threats or name-calling is destructive. Learning to de-escalate conflicts and resolve them in healthy ways is an extremely important skill in any relationship or team environment. When we come to loggerheads and we’re butting up against each other, how do we resolve our disputes in a healthy way? Here is some technical assistance from some ancient and modern sources. Also, you can read our previous article, 3 Proven Ways to Fail at a Relationship.
#1. It’s Not Win or Lose
When the temperature starts rising and you feel hot under the collar, take a step back and remember this person is not your enemy. They may think differently or feel differently than you, but together you are building something bigger than yourselves. Healthy teams respect their individual differences. Ephesians 4:3 says, “Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” Every effort! That requires a lot of energy. The opinion you are fiercely wielding is far less important than unity with your teammate towards the mission in front of you. Our first priority is to value the person and their perspective, and provide them with a safe space to express themselves. Success in our endeavors will always be greater when we work together. It’s a fool’s choice to think you either win or lose this conflict. We’re not trying to win against each other; we’re trying to win together.
#2. Permission to Speak
Slowing down and learning to listen to each other is invaluable. It is wisdom to listen to others and investigate the truth. This person has something valuable to add to our perspective. Proverbs 12:15 says, “The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.” I recently asked for my wife’s opinion about how I had decorated my office space. It was painful to receive her candid feedback, and I wanted to fire back at her criticisms, but I kept my mouth shut and thanked her for her input. I needed to hear it.
Listening to bad news takes practice, especially when we feel deeply invested in a decision. Proverbs 11:14 “For lack of guidance a nation falls, but victory is won through many advisers.” A person’s critique of my “idea” may feel like an attack at first, but it may shed valuable light on a flaw or provide information I didn’t possess. Healthy teams and individuals learn to invite criticism and feedback. In his book, Never Split the Difference, FBI hostage negotiator Kris Voss describes the need to unearth information and hidden values. An excellent question to ask when we’re the ones giving feedback is, How can we be 100% honest yet maintain 100% respect for each other? [1]
#3. The Way We Listen Matters
I’ve noticed that the people who are experts at conflict resolution use precise language to remind each other that they are playing by certain rules that maintain value and respect. This kind of social etiquette is important for greasing the wheels of communication. As you seek to “be quick to listen and slow to speak” (James 1:19), don’t let your pride interfere with the negotiating process.
Value – by Depersonalizing the Decision
The book Crucial Conversations discusses the communication necessary to make decisions in the business world. They call it the “pool of shared meaning,” where everyone is free to share any information without fear of punishment, which helps contribute to the group’s success. Our staff has read the book, and quite frequently we will preface a comment with, “Hey, I’m just adding this to the pool of shared meaning.” It’s our way of reminding each other, I’m not trying to personally attack you or be divisive, but I am sharing an observation or critique for everyone’s consideration.
Value – through Reflective Listening
In Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott offer practical guidelines to help couples reduce blaming, analyzing, avoiding, or distracting behaviors in conversations. Two of their rules that my wife and I utilize regularly are:
- My perception. Make “I feel” statements instead of accusatory “you always/never” statements. i.e., “I feel undervalued when you don’t ask me.” Instead of “You never ask me.”
- Reflective Listening. Practice saying back to the person what you’ve heard them say. This forces you to listen and understand what they are communicating and what they desire. “What I hear you saying is…”
Other practical techniques Chris Voss discusses are:
- Mirroring. Repeating back the last three words that the person spoke triggers an instinctive reaction for the other person to elaborate on what they mean.
- Identify and Label emotions. Especially in a decision-making environment, we can acknowledge the other person’s emotional investment by identifying and labeling it. “It seems like…”, or” it sounds like…”, gives you the ability to help them express their feelings and shows you are empathetic to something they find valuable. Yet, helping them express this also moves it towards a mental decision instead of an emotional one.
Value – through Emotional Comfort
In more intimate relationships, listening should delve into another layer more deeply. We want to create an environment where each of us doesn’t just feel heard, but also feels deeply valued. Galatians 6:2 commands us to “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ (love).” In the book How We Love, Milan and Kay Yerkovich call it the “comfort circle.” In the comfort circle, we give permission to share feelings and emotions, explore those emotions, and bring emotional comfort to the speaker through touch or empathy.
Using the comfort circle often begins by one person saying, “Listen, I don’t need you to solve this problem right now, I just need to express how I feel.” The person who listens needs to restrain their tendency to defend themselves or offer advice. Instead, they simply validate what the other person is feeling and ask questions that help them explore why they feel that way. They are there to help each other explore together, not win an argument. To individuals who like to accomplish, fix, or do things, this feels totally unnatural or unproductive. Yet it is a vital relational skill in learning how to repair emotional ruptures by providing emotional comfort. Ending with the appropriate touch, words of encouragement, or the simple question, “What do you need from me,” becomes an important final step in building a relational bridge forward.
Conclusion:
Resolving conflicts takes courage and cooperation. This requires that we value each other. In James 4, he says that quarrels erupt from “your desires that battle within you.” When my desires are at odds with yours, no one wins. When we learn to value each other above our desires, then we learn to fulfill what Peter says in 1 Peter 4:8, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” Learning to de-escalate or express emotions, on one side, and convey value to others through our listening, on the other side, requires skills and practice. The joy that comes from living in harmony with the people you live with and work with is totally worth it.
Bibliography
- Patterson, Kerry, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler. Crucial Conversations. New York: McGrawHill, 2012.
- Parrott, Les and Leslie. Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1995.
- Yerkovich, Milan and Kay. How We Love. Colorado Springs: WaterBrook Press, 2008.
- Voss, Chris. Never Split the Difference. New York City: Harper Business, 2016.
Endnotes:
- [1] (Crucial Conversations, p.24)
Tags: values, team, conflict, listening, cooperation, heart, unity, comfort, relationship, harmony, de-escalate
