My name is Janine Muir and I have lost five children--three through miscarriage and two through elective abortion.
My decisions to abort grew from roots planted in a chaotic home life. My dad suffered from significant mental illness and was in and out of psychiatric facilities. Yet he held me and my brothers to strict standards. I compensated with perfectionism and control and became a straight-A student and an excellent athlete. Yet I never felt good enough and developed an early sense of shame and worthlessness. And I rebelled by dabbling in drugs and alcohol and sneaking out at night.
Determined to make something worthwhile from my life, I left my native Pennsylvania shortly before my 19th birthday and fled to Florida. Spiritual things meant little to me then. I was born and raised Catholic. I knew God was real, who Jesus was and what he’d done for us and would have claimed I was a Christian. But I had no idea what it meant to be born again, to trust Jesus as Lord and Savior, or to have a personal relationship with him.
My First Abortion
In 1993, two years after I left home, I became pregnant. I was attending paramedic school and never wanted to be a single parent. Since abortion options were not discussed as openly as they are now, I had little other recourse. I already bore the shame of premarital sex and I knew that if my parents found out, I’d have disappointed them yet again. They would pressure me through guilt to move in with them. But I had determined I would never raise a baby in a home plagued by fighting, chaos, and the instability of my father’s mental illness. I wanted to figure out life on my own terms. So my boyfriend was the only one who knew about the pregnancy and he supported my decision to abort
The procedure took place in an OB/GYN office behind a door marked, “procedures.” I remember my fear and feelings of worthlessness, of loneliness. I closed my eyes during the abortion but at one point, I opened them and saw blood. I quickly closed my eyes again, determined to block out the truth of what I was actually doing.
After the abortion, I became more hypervigilant and vowed to never allow an unplanned pregnancy to interrupt my goals again. My continued refusal to acknowledge the impact of the abortion hardened me. I lost the ability to cry.
My boyfriend and I broke up shortly after the abortion and two years later, I married a man I’d met in paramedic school. I suffered two miscarriages during that time, one through a D&C after the baby died in utero. That experience forced on me a greater awareness that an actual child had died through my elective abortion.
In May 2001, my husband and I divorced and I moved back to Pennsylvania and enrolled in nursing school at Westchester. My divorce compounded my sense of failure and of disappointing my family. Loneliness and feelings of being unlovable left me desperate to fill the gaping void in my heart. Then I met a man through a good friend from school and latched on to him. But I only found myself pregnant again though we were only casually dating. I didn’t want to marry him since we’d both recently divorced, so I decided on a second abortion. Our mindset reflected current pro-abortion mantras: this is my choice. I am the female. I am the one who is pregnant so I make the decision.
The Second One
The second abortion took place at a Planned Parenthood clinic in York, PA in the winter of 2001. Clinic staff met my boyfriend and me at our vehicle, along with what seemed like hundreds of protesters. A nurse covered me with a blanket and held my head down as we walked through that screaming crowd to the clinic door. The protesters spat on me and called me a murderer.
Part of me knew what I was doing was wrong. In the eight years since my first abortion, I had developed greater emotional and intellectual maturity. Nursing school had taught me the medical facts behind the development of an unborn baby. Consequently, I’d already judged myself and felt I deserved to be condemned. But those protesters made me feel convicted without a jury. I went through with the procedure and again, pushed the reality of what I’d done to the back of my mind.
My boyfriend and I married in 2004 just after my graduation from nursing school. Shortly after our marriage we got pregnant. We wanted the child but I suffered a third miscarriage and had to have a D&C. By this time, I’d developed a lot of bitterness and anger–anger I directed at my husband. Our marriage began to fall apart and I found out six months after the miscarriage he was having an affair. Despite all this, our daughter Paige was born in November 2006. Then my second marriage ended in 2008. I had become what I’d tried so hard to prevent: a single parent.
I kept people at a distance, fearing rejection if I told anyone about my abortions. I came to a low point where I figured I would be better off dead. But now I had to stay alive for my daughter.
A Fateful Invitation
One July day, my sister-in-law called me and invited me to their Wednesday night church service with pizza first; I should bring Paige and we’d all go to church together.
When I showed up at her house, she looked at me and asked, “What are you doing here?”
“You called me and invited me for pizza and church.”
To this day, she has no recollection of that initial phone call. Was it an angel?
That was the day I told God, “I can’t do this anymore.” And that very evening at the church service I heard that I could have a personal relationship with Christ, which I wanted desperately. When the pastor gave an invitation to pray the salvation prayer, I turned my life over to the Lord.
From that day on, my life trajectory changed. Now I was on fire for God. I tithed and wanted to serve him. I had an intellectual understanding of my “new birth” in faith, yet due to my regrets, my sense of shame and worthlessness, the understanding of God’s love and who I was in Christ failed to reach my heart. He showed me his love in such tangible ways. Once, he asked me to give away what little money I had in my bank account even though I had almost no gas and needed formula for my growing daughter. But like the loaves and fishes, my car got me back and forth to my job as an ER nurse. And my formula cans never ran dry. Someone would hand me money or pay my electric bill saying God told them to help me. I never went with a need unfulfilled.
The Effects of Abortion, And Healing
The abortions affected my parenting. I felt inadequate to protect my daughter and prayed for God to keep her from repeating my mistakes. Even so, I became hypervigilant, a hard disciplinarian just like my parents.
Still, I kept my abortions a secret, I didn’t even want to talk to God about them. I felt as if everything that went wrong in my life, such as the miscarriages, was punishment from God I deserved and I was thankful for his mercy in giving me Paige. Even though I knew in my mind God had forgiven me, I had not forgiven myself. I would verbalize my self-hatred and my daughter picked up on it and began expressing her own self-hatred.
But then, while attending Celebrate Recovery (CR), I made a friend who’d also had an abortion. Her story allowed me to open up. Nearly ten years after the second abortion, I finally started sharing with others. Sadly, a couple of friends condemned me. They gave me the impression there was no forgiveness for me. Yet hope had been kindled.
In 2018, I began attending Petra Church because they had a single parent group and my daughter could attend their student ministries. Then I found out about Deeper Still, a healing ministry for post-abortive women. I filled out the application to attend their conference. They had no more room. Yet, I had such a conviction from God that I was meant to attend that I told them, “I am taking the weekend off and I am going to be there.” And I was.
That conference set me free from everything that held me back. On the second day, the staff gave us replicas of what our babies looked like at the ages we had aborted them. Confronted by the enormity of what I’d done, I experienced pain like I’d never felt before. It broke through my hardened heart and I wailed, I screamed, I cried out for God's incredible forgiveness to heal me. I walked through the process of forgiving so many people, including my boyfriends, the nurses and doctors who had performed the abortions, and the protesters at the clinic. My shame and self-hatred broke off me and I even forgave myself. Amazingly, I felt the hands of Jesus touch me as he assured me he would take care of my children—ALL of my children.
Not only did Deeper Still release me from the hardness and blocked emotions resulting from my abortions, it confirmed my place as a godly woman and restored my mantle of motherhood. I could now parent out of grace and love and not fear. My harsh approach to parenting had turned Paige against Christianity. Now, however, she was free to pursue Jesus for herself and receive her self-worth from him.
At the time of the Deeper Still conference Paige was fifteen. After the conference, I found out she had had a series of dreams, years before, in which Jesus visited her. Five other children always accompanied him, and in her dreams, Jesus read them stories and sang lullabies. She wondered for years who those children were. Paise and I finally had a long talk in which I told her about the abortions and miscarriages. And, how gracious of God!? Paige has met every one of her brothers and sisters--siblings she’d always wanted--because of the Lord's gentle leadership.
Moving Forward
If you are considering an abortion, don’t hide from the truth of your situation or what an abortion really means. No matter how scared or disappointed you feel, no matter how worthless you think you are, talk to someone who believes in Jesus. Listen to anyone who is convicted that abortion is wrong. It is a child from the moment of conception. You have other options the abortion culture won’t inform you of.
The church needs to respond with compassion and grace to post-abortive women. God still loves them. Condemnation only causes people to dig in their heels. If you’re going to spit on a woman entering an abortion clinic and call her a murderer, are you ready to have your own sins judged and exposed. Have you lusted or lied? Sin is sin. Instead, prayerfully walk around the clinics or intercede in the privacy of your home. Don’t further damage the fragile psyche of women and men coming for an abortion. Some of these women are trapped in very difficult situations, such as domestic violence, and bringing a baby into that kind of environment is unthinkable for them.
Abortion is not just a woman’s problem to deal with; it affects men as well. Fifty percent of the unborn child's DNA comes from the father. Men also suffer abortion injury. Though it may not be as visible, it is emotional and spiritual. Our church cultures do a very poor job helping both men and women deal with abortion. The church needs to surround them both with love, empathy, and understanding.
I wake up everyday and say, “Lord, I don’t understand how you could love and forgive someone like me, why your Son would die for me because of what I’ve done.” Yes, I grieve, not only for the loss of my two children, but the loss of the grandchildren I could have had through them. But I am walking in God’s forgiveness, and shame and feelings of unworthiness are gone. They no longer hold me back or define me. Jesus can set you free as well. It is a journey, but one that he is faithful to take with you.
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS STORY:
Deeper Still Abortion Recovery Ministries
Elanco Celebrate Recover (Meets at Petra Church every Tuesday night)
Celebrate Recovery - Celebrate Recovery (CR) exists to help people find freedom and healing from their hurts, hang-ups, and habits through a relationship with Jesus Christ.
A Word About Chemical Abortions
Chemical abortion meds have been approved since 2000 and now account for about fifty percent of abortions. In Pennsylvania, these services can be obtained utilizing telehealth. The amount and quality of counseling and education on how to take the medication and what will happen during and after is very questionable. There is a required 24-hour waiting period after the initial contact "appointment" before you can pick up the prescription or have it mailed to you. You are alone when the med takes effect unlike a clinic. You see the physical results of the abortive med. The isolation can become a breeding ground for the same feelings of shame, regret, and worthlessness as a “traditional” abortion.
Tags: identity, jesus, abortion, life, healing, testimony, divorce, creator, choice, child, conception, unborn, post-abortion, premarital sex
