There’s no greater feeling than being ‘right,’ right!? –Winning your argument; feeling justified in front of others; that a surge of emotion! But at what expense are you willing to seek being ‘right?’ Is it worth alienating yourself or offending others. Not only is being ‘right’ a sure way to draw unnecessary battle lines, but it’s also a sure way to miss out on discovery, learning, collaboration, and creativity. One of the secrets to a fulfilling social life is not setting out to win but seeking the truth together and sharing the joys of building alongside people you respect or love.  

Here are a few tips for winning almost every argument—together!

 1. Find Your Common Purpose

If you find yourself at loggerheads with a friend, spouse, or co-worker, it’s helpful to remind yourself this person is not your opponent, and you don’t win by conquering them. Take a step backward, disarm your defenses, and move towards the diplomatic center. Identify the common mission you are working towards together: you both want your company’s new technology to succeed; you both care for the poor people in your community; you both want your family finances to provide a secure but enjoyable lifestyle. What are your shared goals? Notice the common pursuit of unity in the following Biblical passage, “Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:3).

 2. Get Them to Feel Understood

In her book, You’re Not Listening, Kate Murphy points out that we aren’t just gathering information but seriously trying to understand the other person’s point of view on an emotional level. Chris Voss, author of Never Split the Difference, says we should learn to make the other person the all-encompassing focus. Don’t assume you know what they think or what they want. We’re not feigning to listen, nor are we listening so that we can persuade or manipulate them. We should be able to repeat back to them their point of view in a way that they will say, “That’s right.” That’s when we can truly see the world through their eyes.

3. Slow Down

If it’s helpful, you may need to slow down any false deadlines and eliminate unnecessary stress. “Desire without knowledge is not good—how much more will hasty feet miss the way” (Proverbs 19:2). Anxiety and stress will trigger your defensive neurological system and switch off your creative, collaborative, empathic, and rational neurological system. By removing unnecessary haste, you can create room to listen, gather more information, and build a solution together instead of jumping into divisive solutions hastily. If you don’t have unity, then why hurry? Give each other more time to gather information and soften towards a common approach to the dilemma.

 4. Don’t Set out to Win; set Out to Discover

This is akin to empathetic understanding. You’re not setting out to prove you’re right; you’re setting out to discover what’s right. Assume that you aren’t omniscient and that you don’t know everything. Assume that they have experiences, information, and perspective that helps complete yours. Together, it may amend your original thoughts or modify a few of your strategic goals? “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers, they succeed” (Proverbs 15:22.) 

Said another way, “You can learn more in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by getting other people interested in you” (You’re Not Listening, Murphy). We learn a lot about the world and each other in the process of genuinely listening to each other. 

5. Priority and Reciprocity

Over the years, my wife and I have learned when one of us feels especially passionate about an issue and when it’s important to defer to the other person. If we’re deciding on paint colors for the bedroom, then it’s not worth fighting over. She—having more of a designer’s eye and a passion for the aesthetic—will always get the final word with my input. If this decision ranks higher on the other person’s core-value system, we try to differ to that person’s interest.

On another note, Dr. Jordan Peterson regularly cites studies of animals, such as rats and chimpanzees, and how communal relationships are stabilized by reciprocity. In other words, by you sharing the right to give input and make decisions with others, you make the relationship and community more desirable to be invested in.

6. Ask Good Questions

 Here are a few great questions Voss asks in his book that might be helpful to you or your teammates in paving a path forward. 

• What about this is important to you?
• What about this doesn’t work for you?
• What is the biggest challenge you face in this decision?
• How would you like us to proceed? 
• What can I do to help you?
• How can we solve this problem?
• Ask questions that invite them to tell a story: “ Tell me about…”

Conclusion:

There’s no reason we must live with constant friction in our own homes or office space. The Bible describes the sweet spirit of collaboration like this, “How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity” (Psalm 133:1). With humility and a common vision, we can move mountains together, and enjoy the gift of each other in the process.

Tags: listening, understanding, teamwork, empathy, argument, diplomacy, reciprocity, collaboration, disagreement