We don’t like to be held accountable; it’s a human condition. How are we so good at instantaneously assembling a half-dozen reasons we are entirely innocent and someone else is entirely at fault? No one likes to be called on the carpet or have their mistakes trotted out in front of the person who can fire them. When a project at work goes south, unhealthy teams resort to finger-pointing and targeting others. This has been true since the beginning of time. Adam justified himself before God by throwing Eve under the bus. Eve’s response was to point to the snake.
Justifying ourselves at the expense of the next person is evidence that we do not have a true team spirit. It takes courage to assume responsibility: if we fail, we fail together. In our individualistic Western culture, we don't like such communal mentalities. If your marriage is caught in the "I'm right, and you're wrong" narrative, you're trapped. One side doesn't win by being "right;" that is pride’s false trophy.
And yet, the further our society slides away from the basic standards of mutual reciprocity, respect, patience, empathy, and caring for each other, the harder it is becoming to compromise. How do you cohabitate with a bully, narcissist, or control freak? It's almost impossible without becoming a victim or dominating back. Setting strict boundaries with controllers or tyrants takes tremendous courage because they want you to be their whipped puppy. They need you so they can feel powerful. When you set firm boundaries and gain independence, they lose their significance.
I have a reason for bringing this up on the national election day. Increasingly, we are becoming a nation of narcissists, and we are being run by parties who crave control. We are responsible for retracting the power we've given to these systems of intolerance and civil discord. We don't have to be victimized by bullies, but we should establish boundaries that require mutual reciprocity, empathy, and collaboration. We can stop feeding the political monsters with our clicks, our social media, our divisive mentality, and zero-sum power grabs. If we continue pointing fingers at others, we eventually devour one another. Just as self-serving control destroys marriages, it destroys nations.
Is there a path forward?
Spiritual: As we’ve mentioned before, this is partially a spiritual disease. Three hundred fifty million people in our society each need to displace “ego” and “self-service” from the throne of their hearts and replace them with altruism and commitment to the good of others (The only lasting way I know that to happen is through Jesus). We can pray for this spiritual transformation.
Responsibility: No one is ever 100% right or 100% wrong, especially in relationships. If we are going to move forward, we must humbly accept our portion of responsibility. What is within my power? What do I have a responsibility to do differently? Even if, at times, it’s as little as 3%, I have to own my share of the problem alongside my teammate. We have to find a way to help each other succeed together. That requires humility, moderation, and compromise.
Empathy: What we lose in our one-directional conversations is the ability to hear the viewpoints of others. We have to be able to enter into their suffering, truly know their story, humanize our enemy, and feel their pain or fear. Then, we can truly see through their eyes, understand their operating system, and find ways to work alongside them. To escape tunnel vision, we must close our mouths, get out of the echo chambers, and hear the heartbeat of the person we’ve despised.
Boundaries: Sometimes, there are irreconcilable differences. What does good have to do with evil? Or what does abuse have to do with the value of human life? Jesus said that sometimes following him or seeking the truth brings division to your most intimate family relations. And sometimes justice is directly opposed to the avarice of evil ambitions. We can stand for the truth firmly but under a spirit of self-control. Set boundaries based on principles without unnecessary personal hostility.
Conclusion: My ultimate vision here is that in our personal relationships and broader society, we would stop blaming each other and start taking responsibility to help each other. The prophet Micah encouraged us in the final distillation of faith to “To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” (6:8). We don’t win by one side winning—that’s divorce. And even if our conversation partner is fundamentally aligned against our values, we have the power to pray and set boundaries that, at minimum, are based on mutual respect. Let's pray and ask the Lord to heal our nation relationally, politically, and spiritually.
Tags: accountability, relationships, politics, blame, boundaries, responsibility, reciprocity
