Attention, Affection and Approval
I was lying in bed in the middle of the night, awake and frustrated. Sound familiar? My wife, Tracy, was sound asleep just a few inches away. In my mind, however, she was on another planet. I was mad at her and mad at how I felt – which, if I were to be completely honest, I wasn’t sure exactly how or what I felt. All I knew is that I didn’t like it.
Just to set you at ease, Tracy didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, as I’ll share in a moment, this had nothing to do with her at all. It seems that, even for me, it’s easier for us to blame those closest to us for our issues than to do the hard work of excavating what’s really happening underneath it all, in our souls.
Back to frustrated . . . So I’m lying in bed, frustrated, listing all the things I’m not receiving from my wife. After about two minutes of listing every ridiculous thing under the sun, I decided to crumple up that mental list, throw it in the trash where is belonged, and really get to work.
Father, I prayed. Why do I feel the way I feel? What am I even feeling, anyway?
What I heard in return surprised me.
You feel like you are lacking Attention, Affection, and Approval from your wife. You are mad at her for not giving you these things. This isn’t about her; it’s about you and me. You should learn to receive these things from me, then you can give them to your wife and children, then you will receive them back from them. Try that.
Whoa! That was specific and accurate. That was how I was feeling. And those were the things I felt were missing. But I had set my sights on the wrong relationship.
Receiving something new from God
I have always been surprised at how much God desires for us to know him, like really know him. How many times in the Bible does God introduce himself to someone? Teaching them about his character? Proving to them his lovingkindness? It constant! But we struggle sometimes to see God for who he really is.
Because I had not learned to receive Attention, Affection, and Approval from God as my primary source, I was looking to human relationships to fill the void. We do, as we will learn, need these things from other people – probably more than we care to admit. But God designed us to receive these things out of our relationship with him first, then others. When our hearts are full from real relationship with Father God, we are able to experience real relationships with others as well. As we find ourselves fully satisfied in the Father we are able to “give to give,” not “give to get.”
So why are Attention, Affection, and Approval so important to me? Why do I desire them? As I laid in my bed that night trying to organize my thoughts, I realized that Father God wanted to teach me something new about the relationship he wants to have with me.
To be clear, I’m not the first to write on these words. It’s not my intention to fly into anyone else’s intellectual property air space or to pretend that I’m breaking new ground. I’m simply documenting a moment that I had with the Lord that was very personal to me.
Attention
God wants me to know that I have his attention – that he values me enough to see me. One of his names is “El Roi,” (The God who Sees Me). Being seen is important, probably because Attention communicates value. We give attention to what we think is important. So does he.
Affection
God wants me to know that I have his affection. Not only does he love me, he wants to show me his love in ways that are specific to how I receive love.
Approval
God wants me to know that I have his approval. His approval is an expression of his grace. If I were to stand before God without his grace, he would see only guilt and shame. But his grace looks at me, even in my mess, and approves of me so I can be accepted even while being imperfect.
- Attention equals Value We give attention to what we think is important
- Affection equals Love To be loved in the specific way I receive love
- Approval equals Grace To be accepted while being imperfect
If that wasn’t enough, I felt the Father had one more thing he wanted to share with me about who he is and what he is like.
These three words – Attention, Affection, and Approval – are not just characteristics by themselves of the relationship he desires to have with us. But when they are used to describe each other, we get an even greater understanding of the Father.
- Not just Approval but Attentive, Affectionate, Approval
- Not just Attention but Affectionate, Approving, Attention
- Not just Affection but Approving, Attentive, Affection
Attention: Attention communicates Value
In the physical world, Attention does not always communicate value. I highly value my well pump and water heater. I value the starter in my vehicle, and my liver. I can be honestly say that these items get zero attention from me on a daily bases, unless they break. That’s because when it comes to objects, attention does not communicate value. When it comes to personal relationship, however, it does. Attention equals value. Attention equals value because all of us have limited amounts of time to give our attention to things.
Some studies report that parents spend less then 30 minutes a day attending to their children. Much of that attention is need- or task-based, not relational.
Our family and friends need our attention. To be seen by us. To be valuable enough to be noticed. But attention is not enough. What they need is Affectionate, Approving, Attention. I’m sure some of us can remember a time when we received the wrong kind of Attention from an adult, with long, drawn-out lectures about “eating vegetables because people are starving all around this world.” Or “when I was a kid, we didn’t have video games, air conditioning, or, in some cases, even a car.” Don’t get me wrong, some of these lectures were sprinkled with nuggets of “life truth” so important we have found ourselves repeating it to our children decades later. The problem is that after the “uphill both ways” speech, very few of us were immediately invited to go play outside with our parent or invited to read together. Nope, the lecture was all we got. Attention? Yes. The right kind? No.
Remember how we defined the terms we are using
- Attention equals Value We give attention to what we think is important
- Affection equals Love To be loved in the specific way I receive love
- Approval equals Grace To be accepted while being imperfect.
God doesn’t just give Attention, he gives Affectionate, Approving, Attention. His loving, grace-filled, value-giving attention is what I really need – and it’s actually what he’s offering. Many of us grew up with negative attention, or maybe none at all. This can not only scar our self-perception but also misshape our view of other human relationships. We may feel we don’t deserve attention from others. For some of us, relationships do not feel safe; in other relationships, we feel unworthy.
Inside all of us is a human need – a bucket list, if you will – for our lives to be filled with the reality that our heavenly Father sees us with his Affectionate, Approving, Attention. And when we receive it from him, we can give it to others. And guess what – it’s contagious! When we pour out our Attention, Affection, and Approval to others, we receive it back.
Affection communicates Love
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV)
Sure, no problem – I perfected this verse a long time ago!
Love is a lot of things in today’s world, but for God it has never changed. His love is the real deal. It comes from his character, which can never change. It’s actually hard to believe that Father God loves us like this. But he does. Not only does he love us, he loves us personally and uniquely. He shows his love for us in ways that we need and want.
It’s probably true that, in my house, we all receive love in different ways – through gifts, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and words of affirmation. We all desire to receive love in specific ways. Which is interesting, because we all like to show love in specific ways, too. The difficulty is when the way we prefer to show love is not the way the person we love enjoys receiving it. Great relationships are made up of both: the ability to give and receive love according to both your preference and the other person’s. Tracy can probably count on one hand the number of times she has to fill the gas tank in her vehicle. It’s something I’ve always done for her, because I love her. Does that get me points in Tracy’s love tank? Not really. She notices, and appreciates that I do it for her, it’s just not her thing, it’s mine. But if I love her by spending quality time sitting and talking, it’s like I get dump trucks of points. That’s not my thing, it’s hers.
In my family we often say I love you and I like you. I’m not sure when that started, or why exactly, but love can feel required or expected in a family. But liking someone is a choice. God loves you and he likes you. His affection for you is an Approving, Attentive, Affection. His grace-filled, value-giving love for you is something he offers in his relationship with you.
What our families and friends need from us is to experience love in a way they can receive it. It’s an intentional, thoughtful, pursuing affection from us. Our lives need to communicate “I am actively loving you.” I see you, I accept you, and I love you. You are wanted by me. I have thought of you. Even if I get nothing in return.
Perhaps you and your family members or friends have not yet determined how you like to show and receive love. I’d like to encourage you to bring it up at dinner. Let each person around the table guess what act of love fills each person’s love tank. Then allow each person to give their own answer. There’s no right or wrong answer, and some people might not know for sure. That’s okay, it’s a self-discovery exercise.
One final thought on affection. This kind of love is not a romantic love. Romanic love is reserved for your spouse. In our culture it is far too easy to confuse the two. This is a love that gives expecting nothing in return because when you know the Father’s love for you, your tank is full. You are free to love people just to love them.
Inside all of us in a human need for our lives to be filled with the reality that our heavenly Father’s affection for us is an Approving, Attentive, Affection. It’s a grace-filled, loving, value-giving relationship that is being offered to us by Father God. And when we receive it from him, we can give it to others. And guess what – it’s contagious! When we pour out Attention, Affection, and Approval to others, we receive it back.
Approval communicates Grace
We all know deep down we’ve messed up. What we truly desire is to be accepted while being imperfect.
You feel like you are lacking Attention, Affection, and Approval from you wife. You are mad at her for not giving you these things. You should learn to receive these things from me, then you can give them to your wife and children, then you will receive them back from them. Try that.
Maybe it’s a guy thing, but I’m pretty sure it’s not. I just really want the people closest to me to be proud of me. I don’t need a parade, but I really do want to know my life means something to them. That they are happy I’m around. What I really want is their approval – but not blind approval but informed approval, to be accepted while being imperfect.
Some words kick up a discouragement beehive in my mind: “You’re a failure,” sting, ouch! “You forgot that thing last week,” sting, ouch! “You’re not good enough,” sting, ouch! Insert your own bee sting. Large or small, they all hurt. But what can take away the pain I feel, real or imaged? The pain of rejection or failure? Grace-filled acceptance communicates the message: “I know where you have failed, I know where you are weak, but I accept you anyway.”
What we really need isn’t just approval – some general, blanket approval that gets draped over all humanity. “You’re human, we’ve all messed up.” No, what we really need is Attentive, Affectionate, Approval. Approval that has eyes and a heart. I see you. I see everything about you, and I approve. I love you. I know in my heart your value. The grace of God though Jesus Christ makes this possible. Jesus took the blame for everything you have ever done that God would disapprove of. Because of Jesus, he approves of you. Grace has saved you.
This is the approval we all seek, particularly our spouses and children. We have ministered to countless men and women who have never heard an approving word from their father or mother. They spend years and sometimes their entire lives working for it. We can so easily drown in the sea of achievement and performance, finding that salt water can never satisfy. Loving, value-giving, grace-filled words are like fresh water to a soul that has been missing it. The Father is saying to each of us I love you. I see you. I know you’re not perfect, but there is grace for that. I’m proud of you for where you are right now, and that’s good enough.
One of our pastors recently told me that in his experience, people have had trouble saying “I’m worthy of the Fathers approval”. It’s interesting, because God’s the one who says we are worthy, and he’s the one offering his love. Yet, if we have lacked approval for years and years, it can be hard to believe.
Why don’t you take a moment to say: “I am worthy of the Father’s approval.”
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. Your salvation is a free gift from the Father; you are right with him and worthy of his approval because of what Jesus did on the cross. Ephesians 2:8-9
Say it again: "I am worthy of the Father's approval!"
Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God. 1 John 3
Do you think that God lavishes his love on his kids and then does not approve of them? Of course not.
Say it again: "I am worthy of the Father's approval."
. . . to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to sonship. Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, “Abba, Father.” So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir. Galatians 4:5-7
Abba, in the Greek, is a very intimate and affectionate word that means “daddy.” Many people have trouble referring to God this way. I was one of them. It felt, I don’t know, a little too close, kiddish, vulnerable. That’s because I didn’t know him that way I was supposed to. I had a childhood filled with “repent or God will throw you into hell forever.” I think I got saved every Sunday throughout middle and high school. God did not seem like the kind of guy who wanted me to jump up on his lap and refer to him as daddy.
At Petra we have a phrase for this. We use it in our healing ministries. It can mean different things depending on the context. The phrase is “taking the journey.” You may not be comfortable calling God abba or daddy until you’ve taken the journey – laid down all your preconceived ideas of who he is and what he’s like – laid down and been healed from the pain you’ve carried from authority figures and parents who missed the mark. You must sit with God and allow him to introduce himself to you. Find out what he’s like, and rest in who he is. Daddy. It’s not always the easiest journey but you should take it, it’s awesome.
“I am worthy of the Father's approval”
Inside all of us in a human need – a bucket list if you will – for our lives to be filled with the reality that our heavenly fathers approval for you is an Attentive, Affectionate, Approval. Value-giving, loving, grace-filled relationship that is being offered to us by Father God. And when we receive is from him, we can give it to others. And guess what – it’s contagious! When we pour out our Attention, Affection, and Approval to others, we receive it back.
Last time, just so that it can sink in:
Attention
He wants me to know that I have his attention, that he values me enough to see me. One of his names is “El Roi,” (The God who Sees me). Being seen is important, probably because Attention communicates value. We give attention to what we think is important. So does he.
Affection
He wants me to know that I have his affection. Not only does he love me, but he wants to show me his love in ways that are specific to how I receive love.
Approval
He wants me to know that I have his approval. His approval is an expression of his grace. If I were to stand before God without his grace, there would only be guilt and shame. But his grace looks at me, even in my mess, and approves of me so I can know what it’s like to be accepted while being imperfect.
- Attention equals Value We give attention to what we think is important
- Affection equals Love To be loved in the specific way I receive love
- Approval equals Grace To be accepted while being imperfect.
Not just Approval but Attentive, Affectionate, Approval
Not just Attention but Affectionate, Approving, Attention
Not just Affection but Approving, Attentive, Affection
Tags: father, attention, approval, affection, father's love
