Even on my weather app, I regularly get advertisement ribbons that are entirely inappropriate, sensual, and pornographic. If you live in the 21st century with screens, you… (you can already fill in the end of this sentence). The comprehensive statistics show that 60-70% of men, 50-58% of pastors, and 20-30% of women in evangelical churches are sexually addicted. [1]

Maybe you’ve gotten stuck in the porn rut, and you need help. There is hope. It won’t be easy, but there is a pathway out. Here’s a quick guide to helping you navigate from bondage to freedom.

Sexuality is good. Pornography is bad. 

God made your body, and sex is NOT shameful. God’s sexual design for a husband and wife is ingenious and an exotically beautiful part of the marital union. Sexuality requires that we play together and enjoy each other. That we respect each other and are committed. That we communicate and serve one another. Sex unifies two individuals physically, chemically/emotionally, and even spiritually. It is within the protection of marriage that sexuality is sanctified, and we build a family. Sex is powerful! And because it’s powerful, people get hurt when sex is used outside the safety protocol. Human instinct wants free sex without commitments, attachments, or consequences. God gives us the responsibility to contain sexual arousal and expression within a marital partnership.

Porn Industry and My Brain

The porn industry basically makes its money by preying upon your body’s natural chemical reaction when you view an arousing image. Your brain triggers the release of dopamine, which acts like a reward, like a six-year-old getting a Snickers bar. It’s as if your body says, “That was fun; let’s do it again.” While repetitious use strengthens those porn pathways in your brain, over time, your body needs greater levels of dopamine to get decreasing rewards. That’s why the quantity and content of pornography keep increasing, even turning abusive and degrading. Addicts need greater levels of shock to arouse the same chemical response within their bodies.

The good news is that your brain can heal. Your brain operates on a “use-it or lose-it” basis. If you starve your addiction to porn, your brain will erase all of those old triggers and powerful impulses. It will take between six months to two years, but the brain will reorganize itself and abandon those pesky cravings. Yet in order to break the strength of that chemical drive, you’re going to need a few things in place because “trying harder” is not an effective strategy for breaking the addiction cycle.

To Get Free From Porn, You’ll Need:

1. Honesty

No more lying to yourself or others about how “it’s not that bad,” or minimizing its effects on your spouse. At least to start, you’ll need to come clean with a small community of men (or women) who will help you break the secret. And you will need to tell 100% of the truth, not 75% or 80%, to “save face.” Get the worst of the shamefulness out in the open so it becomes responsive to accountability. One facilitator remarked that he won’t begin working with a man until the pain that man feels from his addiction is great enough to make him serious about being honest and finding freedom. James 5:16 says, “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you may be healed.” Notice how healing comes after breaking the silence.

2. A community

Addiction happens in secrecy. Recovery happens in community. You won’t break the cycle alone; you need healthy relationships. Ideally, those on their recovery journey stay in touch with each other two to three times a week. At our church, we use the Conquer Series as a way to facilitate community and accountability. (Sexual Integrity for women.) These groups are invaluable and often form deeper friendships beyond the eight-week series. Experienced mentors who have already walked out of addiction and into freedom lead these groups and offer much-needed wisdom and leadership. For those with more serious sexual addictions, we also offer a program called Seven Pillars. It, too, is an incredible network of men serious about finding freedom.

3. To Listen to Your Soul

Quite often, sexual addiction is not about sex at all; it’s about pain or stress in our lives. We are using sex to medicate. Porn, or acting out sexually, is just a way to seek control or find comfort in a world that hurts. “The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out” (Proverbs 20:5). If acting out sexually is just the Band-Aid, we must listen to our soul and find the wound. What is the emotional or spiritual wound I’m trying to cure by using sexuality? Is it loneliness? A sense of worthlessness? A need to be validated? A sense of abandonment or shame? These are deep questions, the answers to which can be unearthed and explored in trustworthy relationships.

4. A Strategic Plan

Winning a military conflict with an enemy happens by being intelligent about the warfare, forming a plan, and acting strategically, not simply by “trying harder.” Our groups recommend beginning with journaling so that each person discovers their patterns: How often do they binge-purge? What is their arousal template? When and where do they act out? What were they going through emotionally in the moment of acting out?

Creating boundaries around specific places, people, or digital spaces is essential. Boundaries as simple as shutting off all electronics a half hour before bedtime or having no phones in the bathroom or bedroom may not be failproof, but they are common sense to remove obvious temptations. Many men struggle right before they go to sleep or as they’re waking up. Maybe you need to eliminate a couple of social media accounts, or maybe you need a plan in place when you travel out of town by yourself. Software accountability connected to your community of accountability is preferred over static website blockers on your phone.

5. “In Case of an Emergency” Plan

No plan is complete without an “in case of an emergency, break-glass” step. None of us are superhuman, and all are seized by temptation. In our groups, our men are trained to know what to do at that very moment. They will call specific people. They will get out their picture of their wives and family and remind themselves of why they are choosing to live in sexual integrity and purity. And yes, they will declare Scripture verses, the sword of Spirit, in warfare against the temptations and lies to retrain their minds in the moment of their triggers.

6. To Retrain Your Mind

Eliminating quick access to porn or pornographic websites may be a first goal, but it can’t be our final goal. Ultimately, we are trying to retrain our brains. “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God” (Romans 12:2). The goal is to fill our lives with new habits of worship, time in God’s Word, prayer and meditation. We want to create a deeper devotion to the Lord and reliance on his power. That begins with the thought habits we cultivate.

Summary: 

The journey out of sexual addictions is worth it. I know many men who have been set free from pornography and now live in freedom and spiritual authority. It doesn’t happen simply by “trying harder,” and it doesn’t happen overnight. But it does happen through the renewing of our minds. We need a community, and we need a strategic plan. If you need a healing church community, we’d love to walk alongside you in your healing journey.  

[1] Conquer Series Study Guide, 18.

The next group will launch on September 14.

Tags: community, bible, pornography, sex, porn, accountability, temptation, sexuality, integrity, mentor, addiction, brain, same sex attraction, renewing the mind, dopamine