Conflicts are an inevitable part of relationships; after all, no two people think exactly alike. We each have ideas we feel passionately about. For example, one teammate is passionate about precision, and the other about aesthetics. One roommate cares about cleanliness, and the other is more concerned that things are in order, not clean. There are thousands of decisions we make daily and weekly that reveal how different we are from each other, and that’s not a bad thing. With humility, we can listen to each other, strive for mutual understanding, and forge a common path forward that is respectful, joyful, and mutual. But there are a few proven ways to fail in relationships.
#1. Judgments
John Gottman monitors married couples for 15 minutes in his Love Lab at the University of Washington. He can predict with roughly 90% accuracy who will still be married in 15 years. That’s staggering. Four key negative emotions, which Malcolm Gladwell [1] called the “four horsemen” (of the Apocalypse), are at the root of relationships that did not last—defensiveness, stonewalling (withdrawing), criticism, and contempt. Of these marriage-killers, contempt was the most damaging.
Contempt is a form of pride weaponized with judgments we’ve made about the other person. We feel ourselves superior in some way. It is a form of disgust, rejection, and exclusion from our community. In contrast, the Apostle Paul described love this way, “it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking.” Peter writes in his letter, “clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, ‘God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.’” (1 Peter 5:5).
Action Step: We can humble ourselves; that is a choice we can make. We can be truthful without being judgmental. We can develop a posture of receptivity to others and learn from everyone. Everyone has a story to tell, knows something we don’t know, and has something valuable to offer the team.
#2. Lack of Trust
In Pat Lencioni’s book The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, the number one dysfunction he cites is the absence of trust. “Trust lies at the heart of a functioning, cohesive team. Without it, teamwork is all but impossible.”[2] Deceit, division, backbiting, and undermining each other’s weaknesses all sabotage cooperation. Teams and marriages have to be confident that they care about each other as they move towards the same goals together. Lencioni concludes that only after trust is built can teammates act without concern for protecting themselves. How much time do we waste hiding our flaws, inflating our egos, controlling one another, jockeying against a teammate for a better position or higher salary, etc?
Trust is the lifeblood of relationships and the foundation of societies. Again, the Apostle Paul describes a loving relationship as “it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:7). Trust is hard to build and easy to lose. If we act duplicitously, think selfishly, or speak abusively, we erode the glue that holds us together.
Action Step: Act with integrity. Think selflessly by valuing other’s opinions and contributions. Speak respectfully and honorably, even behind people’s backs. When we trust each other and work together, our complementary strengths exceed what we could have accomplished individually.
#3. Self-Interest
Self-interest is a human sickness, which is the cause behind the “lack of trust.” Narcissists are quite incapable of empathy or being interested in others. [3] They cannot see the world through the eyes of other people’s emotions, thoughts, dreams, or values. At its worst, self-interest can degrade into control, antagonism, combative behavior, jealousy, and more. When we only look out for ourselves, there is no mortar to build a marriage, friendship, team, or community.
In her book, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage, Leslie Vernick describes abusive relationships but also defines mutuality and reciprocity as two essential ingredients to healthy ones. [4] Both individuals should contribute, care, maintain, and receive benefits from a healthy relationship. Power and responsibilities are shared. One person does not do all the sacrificing or bending to please the other. Each person possesses freedom, and each “will” is respected.
Action Step: The Bible encourages us to use our resources “to serve others” (1 Peter 4:10), to “carry each other’s burdens” (Galatians 6:2), to “love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8). This requires a relinquishing of always being right, being in control, being the center of attention, or having your preferences met. Love sacrifices for others. That’s costly.
Conclusion:
Just because you’ve run into some relational tension doesn’t mean a relationship is failing. However, repeated patterns of acting out of self-interest, violating trust, or souring the air with negative emotions are warning signs of a fracturing alliance. You may need some relational coaches or counselors to help you work on team dynamics. Healthy relationships take dedication. The payoff is worth it. Listen to the psalmist describe how good it feels, “How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity!” (133:1).
A FEW RECOMMENDED RESOURCES:
[1] Gladwell, Blink, 20-22.
[2] Lencioni, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, 195.
[3] Crippen, Unholy Charade, by Jeff Crippen, 28.
[4] Vernick, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage, 28-33.
Tags: values, love, trust, team, humility, conflict, serving, fight, unity, honor, integrity, relationship, jealousy, fail, resolution, passions, abuse, respect, teamwork, self-interest, empathy, destructive, contempt, disunity, epic fail, combative, narcissist
