Why is there no plan B for marriages? Doesn’t it seem unfair to be locked into a house with no backdoor? Why would God demand us to remain in a relationship if it has ceased being life giving?
1. God gives us his resources.
Marriage is a commitment, not just between two people, but three; a three stranded cord (Ecclesiastes 4:12). In a marriage relationship a man and a woman commit to one another before God. But he also commits his blessings and resources to us for success and life in marriage. God’s never-ending supply of sacrificial, generous, relentless, and compassion is available to us if we ask for it. The psalmist described his love, “His love endures forever. His faithfulness continues through all generations” (Psalms 100:5). God’s love doesn’t waiver. It doesn’t stretch thin or weaken with time or grow brittle. It is relentless. The Apostle John said, “God is love” (1 John 4:8). And the Apostle Paul said, “love never fails” (1 Corinthians 13:8). Moses said, God is “one”—completely and totally unified in the energy and focus of his love. Solomon said God’s love is more tenacious than the grave itself (Song of Solomon 8:6). How can we fail if we call upon God’s resources to help us?
2. Marriage is a mirror of what God looks like. So how have you depicted Him?
The Bible teaches that marital-love depicts the image of God (Genesis 1:27; 2:23-25). If someone wants to know what God looks like, they need only to look at a groom with his bride (Ephesians 5:21-33). Half-baked marriages and erratic commitments tarnish God’s image and dilute the presentation of his fierce love. We make God out to be cowardly, apathetic, flimsy, uncertain, self-interested, bored, and adulterous. We create a demoted version of the fiercely committed husband that he is (Hosea 2:16). This is idolatrous. Exactly the opposite is true. Jesus went to the grave dying for someone he believed in—his flawed and imperfect bride. You. And me. True marriage is tough as nails, and is willing to work through a multitude of flaws (1 Peter 4:8).
3. Marital-love is a decision.
Before I married I was attracted to a lot of different types of women. After I got married, I was attracted to a lot of different types of women. But I’ve chosen to love one woman. And I’m daily choosing to love only one, to give my heart to no other! Before anything else, marital love is a choice, not a chemistry. You may not choose who you are attracted to. But you choose which fire to throw gasoline on. Marriage is a choice to throw all your fuel onto one flame, to nurture only one with your secret thoughts and careful considerations.
Jesus choose the Father’s will over his own desires. That’s powerful love. Sacrificial. Choosing to love is telling your feelings where to go and how to behave. When you nourish your marriage with your choices, it flourishes and produces tasty fruit. If you neglect it, or waste your energy on others, it will languish. If I see a marriage that’s failing, my first question is, are you willing to start choosing each another again?
4. An escape hatch temps us to run.
If you leave the back door open it will always tempt you to abandon ship when times get tough. My parents decided at a young age that the word divorce was not in their dictionary. They’ve moved a few mountains in their days. They’re still building a strong steadfast love together. A marital commitment forces us to take a resolute posture. Jesus told the Pharisees that Moses permitted divorce because their hearts were hard (Matthew 19:8). Their hearts were hard but their willpower was weak. True love grows stronger by working through difficulties together. It practices honor when it is not convenient. It practices self-denial by catering to the desires of the other. It practices listening and esteeming the perspective of your partner. It perseveres when the easiest thing to do is disengage. Deep vulnerability and joy can only be experienced on the other side of persevering love.
5. God specializes in resurrections
Dead marriages can be revived. If this is your marriage I’m speaking of, you probably already know, it’s not easy. But no one talks about how much energy and money divorce takes; or how much energy rebuilding an entirely new relationship takes compared to moving some entrenched habits. You are going to drag those nasty habits into a new relationship anyway. New life is possible in a marriage, and deeply satisfying. It takes commitment and manual labor to work out the ruts and roots. It takes the desire of both to work through grievances, pride, fear, trauma, or neglect and to rediscover your togetherness. It will probably take outside advice to help get you out of the habits that got you where you are. But the point is, it is worth it. It can and should be done. If a couple fell in love once, they can do it again. God specializes in resurrections.
6. We protect our greatest treasures.
By putting a boundary around marriage, we are protecting ourselves from sabotaging our own lives, and betraying the ones we love. The deeply fulfilling parts of relationship: joy, intimacy, vulnerability, peace, deep acceptance, and unity evaporate under the glare of rejection. They must be protected. Passionate commitment is a levee that holds back an ocean of fears. Trust and vulnerability are the sanctuary built behind walls of protection. Joy is the art and the air of worship in the sacred space of vulnerability.
7. The best is yet to come.
When we see our partner sacrifice on our behalf, stand with us through our most underserving moments, forgive us after our most immature tantrums, and labor together beside us to help us fulfill our dreams, we learn to trust in their love and acceptance. The rewards of committed relationship are like a great treasure, rare, and priceless, and mighty like an oak tree. Rootless relationships and weekend sex are like soap bubbles compared to this love. Total joy comes after total protection. We were designed for emotional connection and intimacy.
The first miracle of Jesus was at a wedding. That’s no coincidence. And in the words of the wedding host, “you saved the best wine for last.” These words are so true in marriage. No matter how far you are in the journey, it just keeps getting better.
