Why is there no “Plan B” for marriages? Some may ask, “doesn’t it seem unfair to be locked into a house with no backdoor; why would God demand us to remain in a relationship if it has ceased to be life-giving?”
1. God gives us his resources.
Marriage is a commitment, not just between two people, but three. Ecclesiastes calls it a three-stranded cord (4:12). In a marriage relationship, a man and a woman commit to one another before God. But he also commits his blessings and resources to us for success and life in marriage. God’s never-ending supply of sacrificial, generous, relentless, and whole-hearted love is available to us for as long as we need it. The psalmist described God’s love, “His love endures forever. His faithfulness continues through all generations” (Psalms 100:5). His love doesn’t waiver. It doesn’t stretch thin or weaken with time or grow brittle. It is relentless. The Apostle John said, “God is love” (1 John 4:8). And the Apostle Paul said, “love never fails” (1 Corinthians 13:8). Moses said, “The Lord your God is one;” he is completely and totally unified in the energy and focus of his love. Solomon said God’s love is more tenacious than the grave itself (Song of Solomon 8:6). If we call upon God’s endless supply of resources how can we fail?
2. Marriage is a mirror of what God looks like. So how have we depicted him?
The Bible teaches that marriage-love depicts the image of God (Genesis 1:27; 2:23-25). If someone wants to know what God looks like, they need only to look at a groom with his bride (Ephesians 5:21-33). Half-baked marriages and erratic commitments tarnish God’s image and dilute the presentation of his fierce love. We make God out to be cowardly, apathetic, flimsy, uncertain, self-interested, bored, and adulterous. We create a demoted version of the fiercely committed husband that he is (Hosea 2:16). This is idolatrous. Exactly the opposite is true. Jesus went to the grave dying for someone he believed in, his flawed and imperfect bride—you and me. True marriage is tough as nails and is willing to work through a multitude of flaws (1 Peter 4:8).
3. Marital love is a decision.
Before I married I was attracted to a lot of different women. After I got married, I was still attracted to a lot of different women. But I’ve chosen to love one woman. And I’m daily choosing to love only one, to give my heart to no other! Before anything else, marital love is a choice, not a chemistry. You may not choose who you are attracted to. But you choose which fire to throw gasoline on. Marriage is a choice to throw all your fuel onto one flame, to nurture only one with your secret thoughts and careful considerations.
Jesus chose the Father’s will over his own desires. That’s powerful love; sacrificial to the core. Choosing to love is telling your feelings where to go and how to behave. When you nourish your marriage with your choices, it flourishes and produces tasty fruit. If you neglect it or waste your energy on others, it will languish. If I see a marriage that’s failing, my first question is, when did they stop choosing to prefer one another? Jesus taught, “No one has greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13, CSB).
4. An escape hatch temps us to run.
In one of Johnny Cash’s songs he sang, “every front door found me hoping, I’d find the backdoor open.” If you leave the back door open it will always tempt you to abandon ship when times get tough. My parents decided at a young age that divorce was not in their vocabulary. They’ve moved a few mountains in their days, and after fifty years they’re still building a vibrantly steadfast love together. A marital commitment forces us to work through our difficulties instead of opting out when it’s inconvenient. Jesus told the Pharisees that Moses permitted divorce because their hearts were hard (Matthew 19:8). Their hearts were hard but their willpower was weak. True love grows stronger by working through difficulties together. Love practices honor when it is not convenient. It practices self-denial by catering to the desires of the other. It practices listening to, and esteeming, your partner. It perseveres when the easiest thing to do is disengage. Deep vulnerability and joy can only be experienced on the other side of two people persevering in love.
5. God specializes in resurrections.
Dead marriages can be revived. If your marriage is dead, then you probably already know it’s not easy. But no one tells you that it takes just as much energy to throw away a marriage and start over as it does to face a few secrets and move a few obstacles. New life is possible in a marriage, and deeply satisfying. It takes commitment and manual labor. It takes the desire of both of you to work through grievances, pride, fear, or neglect; and to rediscover your togetherness. It will probably take outside advice to help get you out of the ruts that you got into. But the point is, it is worth it! Resurrecting your marriage can and should be your first priority. If a couple fell in love once, they can do it again. God specializes in resurrections.
6. We protect our greatest treasures.
By putting a boundary around marriage we are protecting ourselves from sabotaging our own lives and betraying the ones we love. The deeply fulfilling parts of relationship: joy, intimacy, vulnerability, peace, deep acceptance, and unity all evaporate under the threat of rejection. They are like rare birds, they must be protected. Passionate commitment is a levee that holds back an ocean of fears. Vulnerability is a sanctuary that can only be maintained behind walls of trusting protection. That’s where you’ll find joy and peace.
7. The best is yet to come.
When we see our partner sacrifice on our behalf, stand with us through our most underserving moments, forgive us after our most immature tantrums, and labor together beside us to help us fulfill our dreams, we learn to trust in their love and acceptance. The rewards of a committed relationship are like a great treasure, rare, priceless, and mighty like an oak tree. Rootless relationships and weekend sex are like soap bubbles compared to this love. We were designed for enduring emotional connectedness.
My wife and I are celebrating twenty years of marriage this November. We can testify that if you’re willing to fight for your marriage, no matter how far you are in the journey, it just keeps getting better. It’s no coincidence that the first miracle Jesus performed was at a wedding. And in the words of the wedding host, “you saved the best wine for last.” That is my prayer for you, that the best is yet to come.
Tags: resurrection, marriage, joy, sacrifice, fear, peace, lust, commitment, perseverance, unity, divorce, choice, vows, relationship, blessing, together, vulnerability, tenacious
