“Whenever someone offends you, consider straightway how he has erred in his conceptions of good or evil. When you see where his error lies you will pity him, and be neither surprised nor angry. Indeed, you yourself perhaps still wrongly count good the same things as he does, or things just like them. Your duty then is to forgive. And, if you cease from these false ideas of good and bad, you will find it the easier to grant indulgence to him who is still mistaken.” ~Marcus Aurelius
In my medical practice, one of the biggest counseling issues that I help people address are “feuds” that have gone on for weeks, months, or generations between family members, friends, or acquaintances. Generally, the closer people are related, the easier it is to be offended or to take offense. There are a lot of psychological theories for this, but the more you are connected to someone, the more investment you have in wanting that person to think and believe as you do.
Also, people tend to triangulate others into their offense. Without ever resolving the issue with the person who offended them, they build a case against that person by talking to a third party. These triangles are a tool of the devil.
Today’s media and culture have made “being a victim” almost an art form. If you can be offended, then you have a higher position as the victim, and you can then blame the “victimizer” for your misery—so goes the pattern. Our society now runs on a steady diet of “offended groups” or “offended individuals” who then can claim some form of power or restitution for their perceived offense.
On the level of Christian life, this becomes an egregious problem in God’s eyes. To claim offense at the hands of another automatically means that the offended person or group has been injured by some form of malice which presumes that the offender knew what he or she was doing AND was doing it on purpose AND is a terrible person AND has no conscience. Lots of presumptions go into taking offense. I am not saying that some people don’t try to be offensive at times. However, the vast majority of offenses in interpersonal relationships are mostly miscommunications that hit a nerve within the listener based on a grievance that has nothing to do with what the “offender” actually said or intended.
Most family therapy that I do helps people clarify intentions and facts. Usually what one party heard or took offense at was not what was meant to be communicated. Once the whole story is out on the table, and if pride does not get in the way, the matter is easily resolved.
So what does scripture say about “offense?” Mathew 18:14-16 says, “In the same way, your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should perish. If your brother sins against you, go and confront him privately. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.”
How many offenses are left on the stove to simmer rather than resolved promptly? That is the great sin of the Church at all levels, and it defies the scriptural mandate.
If you are offended, talk to the person—quickly (Matthew 5:25). You will probably find out how your assumptions were wrong. If it turns out there is something to correct, follow the scriptural mandate and correct in private and in love. Stop acting like a victim. There are enough real victims without pretending to be one yourself.
Tags: offense, punishing, miscommunication, victim, forgive
