Growing old is a blessing. It is the final stage of this miraculous life God has gifted to us on earth. Two weeks ago, we had a conversation about the beauty of Growing Old Gracefully. As with all seasons of life, this one also comes with its challenges. If you’re reading this, you may be in your forties, fifties, or sixties and trying to figure out how to care for your aging parents. Here are a few things to consider from a faith perspective.

1. Families

The family unit was designed as God’s primary institution for loving care and responsibility. From the creation of the marital union in Genesis 1 through the legal codes in the Law of Moses to the New Testament epistles, e.g., Ephesians 5, authority and care were recognized as the privilege and responsibility of the family unit. God’s intention for family is especially expressed through verses like Psalm 68:6, “God sets the lonely in families.”

Family care doesn’t mean adult children can’t outsource layers of responsibility or that they have to cave into their elderly parent’s exact expectations. This means they should take their responsibility seriously in developing a care plan for their mom and dad. Mom and Dad’s wishes should be honored as wisdom or practical considerations permit. Hopefully, it’s a rare exception when adult children need to override a parent’s wishes due to financial, emotional, mental, or social concerns. Those are difficult decisions to make. Make them with prayer and as much unity among siblings as possible.

2. Emotions, Memories, Relationships

There’s a very personal and emotional side to this conversation. Growing older is a totally new phase of life in which we are forced to grapple with—maybe even for the first time—our limitations, the diminishment of our strength, past sins, failing bodies, and shrinking authority over life. This diminishment triggers our deepest instincts of inadequacy, loneliness, fear, and anxiety as we feel increasingly out of the center of action, out of the spotlight, and a few steps behind everyone else. The world is complex and confusing, which are unsettling feelings to sort through.

In caring for the elderly, it’s not unusual to see new and big emotions. My wife and I used to joke that older people seem to pickle in their own juices. Sometimes, it is true that the emotional atmosphere they’ve cultivated their entire life becomes exaggerated in their later years—cynicism or graciousness. It’s possible their emotional wounds from years ago may be coming to the surface—feelings of rejection or resentment. Some of it may just be that the judgment centers that regulate emotions in their brains are literally eroding. 87-year-old Geoffery refused to pay for a lawn care service and then blamed his adult son, Michael, for not helping him mow his grass. 83-year-old stepmom Stacy lays on the guilt trip because “no one stops in to visit,” and she feels so lonely even though three family members did stop on three different days this week.

As an adult child or caretaker, it is important to set emotional boundaries without losing control. Don’t take personal offense. Don’t let the frayed edges at the end of their life sour your relationship. Ask the Lord to provide the grace, patience, and empathy to love this person in this unique season.  

3. Shrinking World

There is a very practical side to this conversation: money and independence. Our waning capacities need to be matched by shrinking responsibilities. In three to five years, will mom or dad be capable of managing the house or property they live in, or do they need to downsize, sell off property, move into in-law-quarters, or move into a retirement community? Are they two states away or across town? What can they afford? These conversations may not be easy, but they should be discussed before they become an emergency.

4. Do They Need A Caretaker?

As their capacity shrinks, to what degree do you, the relative, want to assume the responsibility of meeting their needs? Or is it appropriate to pay for a service: someone to cook their meals? Someone to mow the yard? Someone to clean the apartment? You need to know your boundaries and how capable or willing you are to help. 

When aging parents become dependent on their children as caregivers, it changes the dynamic of the relationship. Those demands can stress the friendship. It can be a blessing to pay for someone else to provide the service of meeting their needs and expectations so that you can enjoy their relationship and companionship. Or perhaps caring for their needs feels like no trouble at all, and you’d do it joyfully. What do you feel capable of or called to do?

5. Help Them Stay Connected

Social connections are just as vital at this stage of life as any other. Mom and Dad probably need a good set of hearing aids to stay connected to the social world. They also need community engagements where they can get out of their room and interact. If they are local, involve them in family events and get-togethers or pick them up on your way to their grandkid’s baseball game. Can they still volunteer at church or the community center? We all need a sense of purposeful involvement, even if it is praying faithfully from your living room or bed.

6. How Do We Show Honor

We can honor our parents and meet their needs without completely abandoning our lives. As we walk with our aging parents, loved ones, and community members, there are practical ways we can continue to honor the miracle of God in them. We can include them in our fellowships and activities. We can listen to their stories and ask for their opinions. Helping them take care of their health, and possibly estates, is of very practical assistance. We can help them downsize or simplify their commitments while staying connected and involved. Speaking kindly and patiently goes a long way in showing that they are not an inconvenience or an obstacle. They do not need to become the sole focus of our world, but we can continue to show them dignity and the value they are to this family.

Growing old is not easy, but it is a blessing. With God’s grace, we can help our loved ones finish the race they started with the same dignity and joy God extended to us through his Son, Jesus Christ.

Tags: life, plan, purpose, expectations, old, connection, honor, care, elderly, families, responsibility, dignity, forties, sanctity of human life, hearing aids, sixties, care-taker, growing older, fifties