Dynamic relationships are strenuous. While there are often opportunities in a marriage or friendship to go deeper, or get healthier, those opportunities are usually pretty uncomfortable and require a shovel and pickaxe. Sometimes it takes too many emotional and social calories to express yourself to loved ones or neighbors. It’s intrusive. It may have consequences. So we settle – sometimes into silent, unhealthy cease-fire lines.

Meaningful relationships are risky business. Barbarians have sacked the city before. So we place watchmen on the city walls to protect it. We give them their assignments. We tell them what to watch for. The guards are a part of a healthy self-preservation system. If you’ve been hurt by a spouse, or a boss, or a people group, you probably have a few guard towers in your life.

Defense mechanisms are a sign that we have something valuable and worth protecting, that we have boundaries, and that we have a personal identity worth preserving. The path forward is not to ignore the pain someone has caused you, or to be dismissive of the grief you have caused someone else. The path forward, whenever possible, is a heightened resolve to work through the relationship toward deeper partnership.

Magic Johnson Affect (Healthy relationships will have empathy!)

Magic Johnson has been named by some to be the greatest point guard who ever played the game of basketball. He was known for his dazzling passes and awareness of where his players were on the court. He led the league four times in assists. He built his career by passing the ball and helping those teammates around him succeed.

In relationships we have to legitimately seek the success of the other person, to feel concern and emotion for the other person, to hear the desire and grief and joy coming from the heart of the other person. That takes an intentional effort to share life and conversation, time and physical space. These are the investments that express real value in human life. Governments can’t force that. Human resource departments can’t impose it. It germinates one relationship at a time.

Guard Dog Affect (Healthy relationships will protect!)

We can’t coerce people to lay down their self-protection in the moments they are feeling vulnerable to attack. They have to feel protected before they are going to call off the guard dogs. We have to do our part to shelter one another; love always protects.

Neither is it appropriate to conversely impose collective guilt or retribution on groups of people. That is also a destructive prejudice we must guard against. Only individuals can be responsible for their own decisions. We can all work to influence the decisions of the collective, but justice can only be enacted one individual at a time.

When it comes to relationships, we can rebuild trust by making decisions that shield others from injustice. This usually requires a long, hard look at the habits and systems that we can control or influence. It starts in our living rooms, break rooms, and city streets.

Immune System (Healthy relationships can forgive!)

People are flawed. Often the people we love the most we hurt the most deeply. Yes, there are people who do evil things in this world. Even so, living with personal offense is a bacteria that infects the human soul. We shouldn’t hang out with the bacteria in the butcher shop.

A healthy immune system can ward off the infection of unforgiveness. If we learn to protect one another we can learn to forgive one another and not throw every little insult back in the face of a person or people group. Don’t get caught in the trap of collecting ammunition against others. Learn to look for the good. Show each other grace for mistakes we’ve made. The most healthy relationships seem to be made of elastic; they don’t snap with every strain but seem to be resilient and accommodative to our humanity.

Velcro (Healthy relationships join together in unity!)

Two small strips of Velcro can hold some pretty significant objects together. Living in unity doesn’t mean you become like each other. It means you honor each other and the thing that binds you together. Our differences are what make us beautiful. Our togetherness is what makes us multi-faceted and powerful.

Treasure Map (Healthy relationships move forward!)

There needs to be a recognition that we are on a journey. Can we identify a map? Hopefully we are not still at ‘point A,’ which is where total dysfunction lives. But maybe we are still far from ‘point Z,’ which is where total health and mutual honor live. So what steps do we need to take in empathy, protection, and grace to get from our current location to point Z?

If we keep going back to the first wound—point A—then something hasn’t healed. Either one party hasn’t repented, or the other party hasn’t forgiven. Both parties need to play their role in seeking to cover over the ignominy of the past and wash the wound with honor. If they keep returning to the same cease-fire line, then something is drastically wrong.

Conclusion

Imagine a world full of dynamic relationships where we see the good in one another; we strive to listen to one another and protect one another; we are willing to forgive others their ugly sins because we ourselves have needed forgiveness; and we grow to truly and deeply appreciate our differences that make us unique and powerful. That world is ours if we choose it – with our spouses, in our work environments, and among racial people groups. The goal of dynamic relationship is deeper partnership. It’s hard work but worth the fight.

Epilogue: A Few Personal Thoughts

Each of us has to make sacrifices in order to see relationships succeed. In my life, the only organizing force strong enough to spur me out of self-obsession, and passivity, and wounded pride is the spiritual power of Jesus Christ.

When no one was looking, Jesus rescued the broken, touched the rejected, restored the disassociated, returned honor to the shamed, protected the vulnerable, and died to serve instead of fight to convince! He associated equally with women, traitors, foreigners, and fundamentalists to teach the restorative love of the Heavenly Father and the truth of all of our sickness without him!

Don’t try to fix your marriage or heal racism without the cure. The cure is to follow Jesus Christ – to die to our own personal ego and to live in the power of his love toward one another. That too is a journey that can start today.

Tags: compassion, forgiveness, racial, relationships, unity, protection, empathy, togetherness