A friend was once asked what raising a toddler is like. So her companion smeared jelly on her shirt, grabbed her keys, head-butted her in the face, and told her, “I love you more than the stars.” This anecdote humorously captures the truth. Raising a human may be one of the most difficult and most joyful things you’ll ever do.
A child is a wild vine! They have a mind of their own and will grow towards whatever is easiest, or whatever they naturally desire or need. They will play video games for hours, complain, recklessly run in traffic with their friends, leave their scattered toys around, eat their siblings’ snacks, crave parental attention, break things, and not make their bed—if no one corrects them.
The role of parenting is to help shape a child in the right direction. The psalmist called them arrows in our quiver that will be sent out (Psalm 127). The ecosystem Mom and Dad create in their home will shape the child’s character and later launch them into the world. Ready or not, here they come. With pruning shears and a trellis, the parent directs a child’s life towards a preferred outcome. The question is, What is that outcome?
Affection and Correction
God is both loving and holy, and we need His affection and correction in our lives. Starting with affection, every child desires to be seen, cherished, included, listened to, and wanted. Eye contact, physical touch, conversation, and time spent emotionally communicate value to that little growing person. Affection fertilizes their spirit and trains them to intuitively cultivate loving and reciprocal relationships. Love is first modeled. We were designed in God’s image—to be loved and to love. When children are raised in a loving environment, they are more likely to become healthy, curious, and empathetic adults. “Let all that you do be done in love” (1 Corinthians 16:14). As parents, then, let every interaction, word of encouragement, and corrective measure flow from love. The love we received from our Father flows through us to our children.
A relationship built on affection also enables the child to receive discipline and correction without fear of rejection. The child learns to trust that correction is not meant to harm them, but to guide, protect, and help them grow - even when they don’t like it. God, too, calls people into relationship. Like adopted children, we receive God’s attention and affection, His compassion, care, and grace. After God has proven His faithful love, He provides discipline without the threat of rejection. The discipline is not to destroy the child but to shepherd the child towards maturity; “My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in” (Proverbs 3:11–12). God desires correction, not rejection, and the security of a committed relationship builds trust in the child, enabling them to receive difficult discipline. Our correction and discipline is to bring them up under the instruction of the Lord, to grow them into the person that God has called them to be, to live by the Spirit and not the flesh, etc. We correct and guide our children to keep them safe, too, like setting up guardrails on the side of the road!
In this way, raising children is like stringing a bow. A bow has tension on both ends, and you can’t let go of either side. Likewise, children need both affection and correction in tension. God is both loving and holy, and we need the mixture of his loving-kindness and His justice in our lives. As parents, we are constantly administering God’s love and relational care to our children, but always within a structure of justice and truth. So, when our child throws a temper tantrum in the store, we can calmly hold to our boundaries without retaliating in anger or caving into their emotional pressure. We correct our children with the goal of helping them mature, heal, and be restored, not to punish them or to express our outrage. We will make mistakes along the journey. The goal is for both parents and children to grow towards the Lord together.
Directing Their Will, Not Controlling the Child
Children are humans, not cattle that you can bludgeon into submission. They possess a powerful free will and mind of their own, just like their Heavenly Father. Our goal, like training a wild vine, is to lead, coax, reward, allure, and yes, sometimes prune the child toward what is right and good so that they desire that for themselves. Discipline should be only one of the many tools in our parental toolbelt. We want to shepherd their heart, not just correct behavior or put a Band-Aid on problems. Habits, rewards, and modeling are external behavioral tools we can use. And words of affirmation, empathetic listening, and deep care help us shepherd their hearts and guide them with love, patience, and gentleness (Colossians 3:12–14).
Give children plenty of choices so that they can learn to shape the world they live in. If they really want to wear the clashing red boots instead of the matching green slippers, why not let them? That teaches them to exercise their liberty in ways that do not harm others. Provide a wide range of options within the parameters you feel comfortable with as a parent—you can pick up your toys now with my help or in fifteen minutes without my help. Affirm them when something is hard, and they don’t want to—I know, darling, I don’t like eating green stuff either. But it’s good for us.
Some parents are so rigid that they squeeze out any leniency for the child to make their own life choices. This often results in resentment and rebellion rather than conformity. Our objective as parents is not to control our children, but to teach them as they are growing, to use their liberty to love and choose what is good when no one is telling them what to do.
A Curriculum and Final Outcome
In ancient tribal culture, communal proverbs helped provide parents with a point-by-point curriculum for raising their children. From Proverbs 1:1–7, we learn that Solomon gained “wisdom and instruction,” “prudent behavior,” what was “just and fair,” “instruction,” “discretion,” “discernment,” and “wisdom and instruction.” These proverbs provided direction for children in relationships, business, commerce, ethics, social propriety, general life knowledge, and morality. In a similar manner, it’s helpful for us as parents to consider what the end results of our efforts look like, the values we want them to embody. i.e., joyful, respectful, helpful, generous, etc. And are there specific habits we can curate to help our children grow into those values?
At the end of the list, Solomon provided the master key for life’s entire educational curriculum: “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge.” Earlier in this article, we asked what outcome we are shaping our children towards. The final product is a life that looks like God and reflects God’s values: “Be holy because I, the Lord your God, am holy” (Leviticus 19:2). The finish line of parenting is to have raised children who are holy, just as their Heavenly Father is holy. The job of a parent isn’t just to feed our kids and send them off to school. Fathering and mothering are callings to raise our children to maturity, and maturity is living a lifestyle that loves and respects God’s authority. Our desire for our children to grow to know and love Jesus, to have a relationship with Him, to follow the Spirit, and to trust, no matter what happens, even through difficult and hard things, that God loves them and will never leave them. His wisdom teaches us how to relate to Him, but also how to live connected to His creation and to other people.
A Lifestyle and Partnership
Parenting is the incredible privilege of loving, guiding, teaching, supporting, and encouraging these growing humans in their journey through life. We help them mature into the character and conduct of their Heavenly Father. He is the Creator of your children! He intricately formed them—their personalities, giftings, abilities, and unique design. He has a plan and a purpose for our lives, and He walks alongside us as we depend on Him. He provides His wisdom and His Spirit to guide us as parents. He knows our children better than we ever could!
We, the parents, must first love Jesus and act like Jesus in our own homes. The emotional habits of the home are how children learn about money, entertainment, friendships, sex, honesty, spirituality, politics, joy, tenacity, hard work, forgiveness, etc. It is through affection and correction that we train our children, pruning bad choices and nurturing healthy ones. And through much prayer and partnership with the Holy Spirit, hopefully our children will own our values for themselves. Then we can say, as the Apostle John did, “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth” (3 John 1:4).
Discussion Questions:
- What are the habits that help your family love Jesus and identify with him?
- To grow in truth, who or what does your family habitually turn to?
- What are the habits and traditions that cultivate joy in your house? Or thanksgiving?
- Do you have any habits that teach you stillness or sabbath rest?
- Do you have habits of storytelling? i.e., God’s story, or your own stories?
- What are your family habits that cultivate relational togetherness and emotional curiosity?
- How does your family prioritize God’s mission?
- If boundaries protect values, what does your family need to say “no” to regularly?
- How does your family practice honesty without rejection or reconciliation after confrontation?
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