No one goes into their wedding thinking—We can’t wait for things to grow stale and get divorced. However, if we stumble into marriage with the wrong assumptions, that’s exactly what can happen. God designed the marital union to be life-giving and precious, not necessarily perfect or without headaches. Jesus’ prayer on behalf of all His disciples, in John 17, is a powerful vision of a marriage, “that they may be one as we (Father and Son) are one—I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity” (v.22–23). How do we develop a “complete unity” in marriage that looks like God the Father and Son in joyful union?
Attraction or Commitment to Shared Life
Gayle loved how interesting Trevor made her feel in their dating and early marriage. He paid attention to her. She felt beautiful, sophisticated, and funny. But after two years of marriage, he was distracted by work and spent more time with his fantasy football bros. She was beginning to feel neglected and overlooked. So, is that it? Are Gayle and Trevor doomed to drift apart? No, they are not. Just because his passionate interest has subsided or her emotional satisfaction has drained a bit doesn’t mean it’s the beginning of the end.
Attraction lasts for a hot second—ok, maybe a year or two—but eventually the fizz does wear off. People get older and wrinklier. What once intrigued you about that person later becomes annoying. Commitment to one another is the necessary leg of the stool that enables us to nurture passion and intimacy over the long term. Just as steel is an alloy of two metals forged together, a marriage is an alloy of husband and wife being melded in their passions, intimacy, and commitments. [1]
Togetherness
Marriage isn’t based on how we feel, and it’s more holistic than sexual exclusivity. However, if Gayle and Trevor want to develop their oneness, they will need to spend intentional time building a life together. A commitment to companionship and teamwork is central to a Biblical understanding of what a marriage is: “a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Oneness is a commitment to each other, not a feeling we have about each other. Teammates are committed to working through the wins and losses, through the elation and the bruises. If we focus on the three areas below, we can develop common habits, faith, and values that provide the healthy bones for a marital union.
Habits Together
Spending intentional time talking and sharing with one another, as well as building small routines together, are essential investments in shared life. Examples of this might be going to the gym or the grocery store together, lingering at the dinner table, going to church on Sunday mornings as a family, or carving out time for a family game night once a month. Like watering a plant regularly, togetherness is matured through habits. Have you ever thought about applying this verse to your marriage, “let us…not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encourage one another” (Hebrews 10:24–25)? While habits don’t guarantee that our hearts and attitudes are bonding, they do create space and opportunities for that to happen.
Allison and Andrew found themselves drowning in family activities. With four children heading in four directions, they could sense their own relationship slowly drifting apart. Yet they were committed to remaining lovers and not just living like roommates. So, they began implementing a no-screen rule on Sundays to force relational intentionality. They also agreed to take one walk a week together and not talk about anything related to schedules, only relational dynamics at work or home. These simple tweaks helped them stay interested in each other’s lives and provided opportunities for them to make observations and help each other solve problems.
Faith Together
It’s so much more difficult to have a healthy marriage without healthy faith. A common love for Jesus keeps us moving in the same direction. A shared love for Jesus gives us the power to love one another. A common belief in the truth of Scriptures keeps us accountable. A common purpose to build God’s Kingdom gives our family a reason to support each other. Rhythms like going to church, praying before meals, or doing devotions together also help anchor our family in common tradition. Finally, as we’ll see below, a healthy faith in Jesus should unify us in the way we treat one another.
Before Jose and Jasmine became Christians, they felt competitive about how they spent their money. She was not in unity with how harshly he would discipline their children. And he felt she was too pushy about certain political issues. While their new faith in Jesus didn’t instantly alleviate those tensions, they found themselves listening to one another more and pulling in the same direction. Ephesians 5:21 instructs husbands and wives to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Seeking Jesus’ plans for their family became the common ground they stood on together. Instead of rowing one boat in two directions, they were learning how to row in the same direction. Instead of two different leaders in one marriage, they were learning to surrender to Jesus as the head of their household.
Values Togetherness
After Doug confronted Mary about the way she was not listening to his concerns regarding their teenage daughter, he felt unheard and alienated. It took courage, but he expressed this honestly. Mary bristled at first, but after a few days thinking about it, she took Doug’s concerns to heart. It was this posture of respect for one another, listening to each other’s opinions and concerns, and valuing each other’s input that helped them work through some challenging family issues.
What does it look like for spouses to “love one another deeply, from the heart,” as Peter writes (1 Peter 1:22)? That’s a value. Empathy, listening, concern for each other—these are values—pearls pulled out of the ocean sludge. Cooperation is a value. These values create a family culture that children grow up in. The unity Jesus prayed for, “that they may be one as we are one,” develops over time as we respect and protect one another. A healthy marriage is a commitment to sacrifice for each other, the way Jesus gave Himself to His Father. The attitude and spirit of Jesus transform us from being takers to becoming givers. That core value bears tasty fruit in home life: gentleness, kindness, patience, thankfulness, and joy—expressed from one spouse to another or from parent to child. These are priceless family values.
Families may also develop secondary values that are not morally essential yet are important to their unique personality and ecosystem. Hard work may be a family value. Cleanliness or punctuality may cause stress in a family if members violate these prized habits. Slogans may reveal unconscious priorities: “Try your hardest, that’s all anyone can ask of you,” or “stop complaining, no one wants to listen to a crybaby.” Problem-solving, creativity and art, thriftiness, and speaking bluntly or tactfully may all be important to the way a family learns to relate to each other. This raises an important point. We can develop common habits, faith, and values, but if we aren’t aware of some practical dynamics, there can still be friction, or we can still fail to meet each other’s relational needs.
The Mechanics of Relationships
How we relate to each other depends on the shape of our unique personalities. Learning each other’s specific love-styles keeps life and blood flowing through your marital vascular system. While the Bible may not serve up the following list arranged in a single recipe, these ingredients are essential for learning how to work, live, and love together.
Each of these can benefit our marriage. Listening empathetically. Communicating clearly. Clarifying our hopes and expectations of an event or situation. Respectfully clarifying our intentions during disagreements. Learning to meet each other’s emotional needs. Expressing love in ways the other person appreciates—words, gifts, service, attention, or touch. Learning how to provide emotional consolation and comfort. Learning how to recreate and rest together. Learning how to pitch in and work together. Developing healthy boundaries around other people or around time demands placed on us. Each is helpful in a specific facet of our union.
Conclusion
Gary Thomas writes that God didn’t design marriage to make us happy; he designed it to make us holy. I’d be quick to add that as we mature in our union and sacrifice for each other, we develop the long-lasting joy that accompanies true love. Developing habits together, a common faith in Jesus, and a common set of family values will grow the healthy bones our marriage needs to last. And learning the daily mechanics of communication, comfort, and meeting emotional needs will also supply the vitality of passion and intimacy that makes our union alive and strong. I end by praying Jesus’ prayer over your marriage, “may you be brought to ‘complete unity,’” in Jesus Christ, Amen.
[1] Parrott, Les, and Leslie L. Parrott. Saving Your Marriage before It Starts. (Grand Rapids, Mich.: Zondervan, 2006), 33.
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