It can be difficult to see our own family’s dysfunction. Like the nose at the end of our face, our own patterns are so close to us and feel so normal we don’t recognize when they are abusive or destructive. Yet God calls us to mature and grow out of unhealthy or immature habits. The first step is to recognize that it is even a problem. This was the import of God’s calling to Abraham, “Go (out) from your country, your people and your father’s household…” God wanted to show Abraham a new way to live.
1. Recognizing Unhealthy Family Systems
When you grow up watching your parents or siblings act in a certain way, you just assume that’s normal. Examples? Overcommitment to a million activities, wearing religious masks in public, reckless spending, hoarding and emotional attachment to objects, demeaning people, the inability to say “no” to harmful people, shaming people for not winning, the excessive use of alcohol, not confronting abusive family members, moral and ethical confusion, to name a few. If you’ve grown up inside these patterns, they can feel like wearing a pair of jeans you’ve always owned. But these are not harmless, and God wants to provide a new wardrobe.
As we follow Jesus, we model our lives after Him. He provides the perfect template that exposes our flawed family systems. If you witness activity in your family that doesn’t look like Jesus, or seems in direct violation of Biblical commands, that’s a tell-tale sign that lies and sin are warping your family's behavior in a specific area. Meditating on the character and virtues of Jesus is more than a lofty ideal or a religious exercise. We meditate in order to activate His love and justice in our lives. His example becomes a personalized practice that disrupts sin in family systems.
2. Breaking Agreement with Unhealthy Patterns
When you begin recognizing unhealthy patterns, it will take courage to rock the family boat. The Bible is littered with examples of family dysfunctions because family members did not confront each other in love: Adam’s passivity in the face of Eve’s temptation, Abraham’s passivity in the face of Sarah’s mistreatment of Hagar, judgment on the house of Eli because he didn’t stop his sons from doing evil! What sin do you need to confront in your family? What unhealthy lies are your family believing or behaviors are they exhibiting?
Silence in the face of known sin is complicity. In broader society you may not have the power to change other people’s behaviors, but under your own roof you have the responsibility to confront one another or create boundaries. Sin usually enters through subtle lies. Maybe the lie is that a particular behavior isn’t harmful—a boyfriend and girlfriend sleeping together in the basement, or someone experimenting with their sexuality. Or it could be a growing family resentment towards another family. When you begin to see a pattern, don’t pretend that it doesn’t exist. Speak up. This requires courage. Take responsibility to expose the lie and refuse to give it oxygen to breathe in your family. God told the prophet Ezekiel that the person who warned others of danger—the watchman—was innocent of the calamity that would fall upon the rest of them if they refused to listen (Ezekiel 33:1–6). As family members, we love each other by being abrasive enough to expose sin and immaturity as destructive.
3. Preparing for Backlash
Family members may harass you, call you names, judge you, or call you judgmental. You may lose the intimacy of a close sister. Jesus warned His followers “a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household’” (Matthew 10:35–36). There is a price for speaking the truth and rocking the boat. In the quest for living in the truth, family priorities take second seat. Jesus’ own brothers disdained Him. Conversely, Jesus recognized that His true kin were those who did the will of His father in Heaven (Mark 3:20–35) and He established boundaries with His biological brothers (John 7:1–11).
After years of emotional abuse Megan stopped tolerating the toxic attitudes of her father and brothers. The healthier she grew the more they alienated her from the family. She refused to accept their put-downs, and would not tolerate their sexist commentary that devalued herself and her daughters. Joshua also felt an increasing distance from his religious heritage. He felt his parents were more protective of their tradition than they were protective of his siblings against abuse. His freedom to follow Jesus did not conform to their specific religious practices and eventually they cut him off from fellowship. In Tammy’s family she set new boundaries with her adult siblings against talking politics at family gatherings. Their corrosive and divisive accusations were becoming militant. With some significant pushback she was able to at least preserve their family cohesion and relational etiquette.
4. Building Healthy Fences
We build a fence against the rodents that eat out of our garden. In the same way, practical boundaries are one of the ways we quarantine sin. Practical boundaries may include: moving out or kicking someone out of the house, no longer being silent or telling someone to stop talking (like that), giving people deadlines or real consequences, not being manipulated by temper tantrums, silent treatments, and other emotional outbursts, giving behavior a label and speaking it out loud for others to recognize. Practical boundaries are how we “encourage and rebuke with all authority” (Titus 2:15).
5. Holding to Your Standards
Don’t let family members drag you into agreement with their sin. In the book of Judges, Samson’s parents stood up to him at first. But eventually he dragged them into violating the Lord’s commands on his behalf (Judges 14:1–8). Maybe in your situation the family business is cheating customers, and the family wants you to stay quiet and go along with it. Or maybe there’s pressure to shield a family member from public exposure of unethical behavior. Shielding sin is dishonoring to the Lord. His objective is to destroy the works of darkness (1 John 3:8). That starts in the home. The family may turn on you as their new villain, but the Lord invites you to act on His behalf, on behalf of impartial justice (Deuteronomy 1:17). When families don’t have the courage to confront unhealthy behaviors those behaviors can seriously harm others. You don’t want to be complicit with the problem, you want to be part of the Lord’s solution.
6. Standing Up to Mistreatment
If you’re being abused physically, sexually, or emotionally, find someone you trust that you can share your story with. You’re going to need the help of a trusted friend, counselor, or pastor to escape the abuser’s control system. Consider reading our blog, Setting Relational Boundaries. Abusers need the people they abuse to make themselves feel powerful and in control (see Exodus 14:5). For the abused person, their journey of healing and victory is connected to growing in their sense of personal worth and standing up for themselves—like the Israelites stood up to Pharaoh. For a relationship to be healthy, there needs to be reciprocity of respect and personal boundaries. Read Essential Relationship Skills and How to Build Fulfilling Relationships.
One of the saddest stories I’ve heard was of an abused wife who had the entire support of a small group ready to rescue her from her husband’s domination. Unfortunately, she could not report him to the police because he had nurtured a mentality in her that she deserved the abuse and that she was the problem. He turned her own children against her with his manipulation, and they too came to treat mom as if she was a “problem” who was lucky enough to have a provider like him.
In the book of Ezekiel, God promises that He will rescue His people from their abusive leadership. In a poignant analogy, He promises to rescue the sheep out of the mouths of the leaders who are devouring them (Ezekiel 34:10). King David himself was not beyond rebuke when he took advantage of his powerful position to seduce another man’s wife. Confronting one another and setting practical boundaries is the responsibility of all the family members.
Conclusion:
God is calling us out of our immaturity and into His mighty love. That requires the courage to confront unhealthy family patterns. By meditating on the Lord, we grow in the revelation of how our family should look. By breaking the silence and speaking out against sin, we break any unhealthy agreement with lies. By creating healthy boundaries and holding to our convictions, we prevent sin from operating under our jurisdiction. The Lord wants to use you to heal and restore your family into His life-giving purposes. Be courageous in His love.
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